a friend of mine & i have chatted lately about 'finding it.' you know, what we're really supposed to be doing with ourselves. our calling. what fulfills us & what we can confidently tell our peers we're up to when asked. we chatted about our creative sides & how therapeutic it is, how necessary it is for our wellbeing but sometimes how wildly misunderstood it can be to onlookers.
frustration built in each of our voices the more more we talk about the 'others.' i mean, i'm whole, i'm creating, i'm caring for those i love, i'm doing something of value for myself & for my family, that's got to be enough, doesn't it? the consuming feeling of selling myself to the opinions of others who have such little value in my day to day life is a heartbreaking realization. just when i think i've successfully released myself from the standards i imagine them holding me up against, those feelings re-enter & sometimes, most times, even stronger than before.
but during our lengthly chat, something suddenly changed in our tones. our language even. we switched the word 'them' for 'us' unknowingly. we reclaimed the judgement, self loathing, the sheer harshness of these sentiments & saw them as our own. we are them & they are us. i fumble to find the perfect word to describe the unattainable heights at which we hold ourselves up to in the most unloving of ways.
as a mother, a friend, a family member, a wife, a human being, i am on a journey to nowhere & everywhere all at once. slowly releasing my firm grip of trying to 'find it,' to 'get there', to wrap it up with a pretty bow just for the sake of gifting it to someone other than myself. it's mine & i'm committed to the challenge of learning how to honour it. my experience, my soul, my life. to honour the moments inbetween that i've sadly considered transient in the past. i now realize those times are the only place i can truly 'find it.'
wherever you are, whatever you're doing, however you're feeling, i hope you're claiming it. & that hope extends to myself, from myself, most of all. i'd tell you to slow down, i'd tell you relish in it, i'd tell you that it's all fleeting but you already know that. instead, my wish for you is to just be. feel. breathe. release. hold tight. & love it all for exactly what it is.
happy wednesday my loves, i've missed it here.